Following Christ and raising a family can be difficult. It is the battle of good loves. So how does our relationship with Christ affect our most central relationships?

This battle of priorities is usually answered in one of two ways. Some people neglect their families in the name of Christ. Other people neglect the hard calls of Christ in the name of their families. As you look around the Christian world today, you see byproducts both of these divergent ways of seeing Christ and family.

In the generation before mine, family was too often treated as an obstacle to ladder climbing. Many fathers sacrificed their wives and kids not to spread the gospel but to further their careers. Some misused the gospel to cover over their own ambitions. It was ladder climbing with a Christian excuse.

I think my generation has made the opposite error. In the name of protecting our families, we have created a system that sounds right at first but ends up in a ditch on the other side of the road. Our generation’s error is putting our sense of calling after our sense of family. So we have preached family as our first calling. The mantra is to choose to cheat your call before you cheat your family.

The problem with this perspective is that it is hard to be honest and still align it to the lives of Jesus, Peter, Paul, and just about everyone in the New Testament. Jesus, Peter, Paul, and others had a different perspective.

In Mark 3, Jesus’ mother and brothers are outside a house where Jesus was teaching. Jesus heard that they are waiting for him outside. Most scholars think they had come to commit him to an insane asylum. When Jesus heard that they were there, he addressed the crowd: “‘Who are my mother and my brothers?’ he asked. Then he looked at those seated around the circle with him and said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.’” (Mark 3:33-35)

In Matthew, Jesus says more shocking words:

Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn “a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law – a  man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.^” Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10:34-37)

Paul encouraged the Corinthians in much the same tone:

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:29-35)

What was Jesus saying? Was Jesus encouraging people to neglect their families? Was Paul against the family structure? Personally, I think both Jesus and Paul were advocating something entirely different. Family and mission are not supposed to be in dichotomy with each other. Choosing a priority between the two results from a fallen system of a broken world. Instead, we are called to imagine something different. I think this means developing a family on mission.

The family unit of the New Testament is united not by blood but by mission. If I am leading my family well, we should all be on mission together.

This definition of family, then, goes beyond bloodlines. As a father and husband, I should do everything in my power to instill this in my own family dynamic. Creating an extended family means inviting those close in mission into my home. Together we raise our kids, work out our callings, pay our bills, and enjoy the life God gives us. It is not communism, but it is communal. This creates an atmosphere where family and calling can live together.

I have seen this work out in my own life in a couple of ways. First, when I was dating, I dated intentionally and had this in mind. I knew that if my relationship with God didn’t determine my relationships, then my relationships would soon determine my relationship with God. I had seen too many people sacrifice calling in the name of love, and so I determined to find someone who would work out the call of Christ with me instead of holding this call against me.

Second, Kim and I make a concerted effort to not talk of my work as work. We use words like calling and mission in our family. So when I travel to speak, or when our sense of calling asks us to do hard things, it is not because of dad’s ambition to climb a ladder but because of God’s call on our family. We also encourage all of our family to be part of the mission. It is not my calling. It is our calling, and each of us has a role to play. Mission is the family business.

The extended family network was the dynamic that changed the world. It was a family on a mission. Some of this family was blood, and some of it was not. But this group of people acted as a family that was united by mission.

In case you are wondering, this is not just a way of life for those of us in professional ministry. It is a way of life for all of us. Our kids need to know that there is more to life than being a successful businessman or a famous actress. The pursuit of money cannot carry the weight of family. But mission can.

Sometimes our jobs are our mission. If you are a teacher or doctor or lawyer or maintenance man, it should be easy to see your job in this vein. Sometimes our jobs finance our mission.

Either way, our families should be on mission, not in tension with it. And when our family is on mission, it is the most powerful force in all the world.

This is adapted from Dave Rhodes’ book Redefining Normal. You can read more excerpts and purchase it by visiting www.wayfarer.tv/redefining/.

–

The 3DM family has written a lot about this issue over the last couple of weeks. Here are a few posts that are worth checking out on the subject of having a family on mission…Mike Breen :: Sacrificing Mission on the Altar of Family (and how to avoid this problem)

Sally Breen :: How to Prevent Parenting Alone

Elizabeth Paul :: Partnering in mission when you have small children Part 1 //Part 2

Last week was an interesting one here on the Wayfarer Blog. When my good friend Chris Brooks released his blog post Is youth ministry subtly sabotaging college ministry?, I knew it would create a response. I was pretty sure it would get people talking. But the question that stands in front of all of us right now is this:

Will it keep us talking?

I hope that it will.

Defining reality is a tough job. It is a job that requires stating truth, not only in ways that are pleasant for everyone to hear, but also in all its extreme forms. When we speak truth in this relentless manner, we get to the bottom of what the true situation actually is. This is the real gift Chris’ blog gave us last week.

Chris stated his opinion brashly. He is a college minister who is experiencing the ramification of unformed or malnutritioned students brought up in youth ministries that do everything but disciple students. We need him to give voice to his frustration. We need to feel the extreme reality that he deals with and lives in every day.

To confirm the reality of Chris’ voice, we saw many comments from lots of people who feel the exact same way — some who have even dropped out of church or discontinued faith because of the reality Chris wrote about.

But Chris’ blog also generated another response. This was the response of youth ministers who felt blamed for the problem, even though they have given and laid down their very lives for something exactly opposite of what Chris described. Exasperated by the desperation of the current generation, they felt undercut and unappreciated by one more person telling them how they were not doing their job — or at least not doing their job well enough.

They too used strong words and brash language to prove their point. And their words also gave voice to others who feel overworked and underappreciated, misunderstood and mislabeled. These youth ministers continue to press into the work and calling that they feel God has placed in front of them. I believe we need to hear their words too.

The truth lies not between these extremes but in both of these extremes. Until we hear the truth at both extremes, we won’t be able to define what the reality thatall of us are staring at and working in truly is.

In my view, we must have venues where we can bloody each other’s noses a little, so to speak, in order to get to the bottom of the situation. It’s not that we act unchristian or mean-spirited toward each other; instead, we create room and space to vent our real frustration so that we can move toward reality and the solutions it requires.

Unfortunately, the truth that we all are staring at is that just 4 percent of the millennial generation is in church each Sunday and that many who are in church are dropping out the moment they get their car keys or go off to college. Even more, unlike past generations, this generation isn’t coming back when they have their kids.

There is plenty of blame and sin to go around. The truth is that there are many youth ministries committed to ministry models that leave students malnuritioned and unformed. It is also true that there are many youth ministers giving their lives away every day for ministries that want to see something different happen.

Some are caught in systems that undermine their best intentions. Others are misinformed and need the space to consider a different side of truth or a different way altogether. Still others are doing incredible work and the biggest problem they face is that no one has ever heard of them and too few have had opportunity to imitate their model of ministry.

(By the way, what is true of youth ministry is also true of lots of college ministries, and other age group ministries as well.)

Here’s the reality: The problems that Chris, and those who have responded to him, described this week is not a youth problem or college problem — it’s aCHURCH problem. Now that we have done the hard work of venting our frustration and defining reality, the real question is whether we will move out of our polarities toward a better solution.

We must recognize that everything in our society will try to keep us from doing so. We live in a world that thrives off of polarization. Polarization rallies. Polarization makes money. But polarization rarely provides real solutions. Polarization is not the answer.

The answer is not balance either. Balance fails to articulate the frustration of both extremes.

So what is the answer? I believe the answer is to start speaking paradox again. When Jesus was asked whether people should pay taxes to Caesar, what people were really asking him to do was choose sides. One side said yes. The other said no. Each had its theological reasons. Each was entrenched in its own polarity.

In this situation, Jesus was pressured to give an answer, and Jesus chose not polarity or balance but paradox. He saide, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and give to God what is God.” (Matthew 22:21) As he did, Jesus elevated the conversation and created space for a whole different kind of imagination to take place.

Last week we asked the  question, “Is youth ministry subtly undermining college ministry?” Some of us have said yes! Others of us have yelled back no! We have heard the truth of both of these extremes. This question has helped us sense and feel the depth and breadth of the conversation. We have pulled the quiet murmurs out of the closet and out into the open.

Now we must work just as diligently to move out of our polarities to hear the paradox that Jesus is speaking to all of us. My hope is that the Wayfarer Blog will be devoted to this endeavor and that you will continue to join us in the conversation.

Some have suggested that the test of Christian love is the tone we speak in. But I think maybe the best test of Christian love is whether we just keep talking.

Wanted to share an illustration I used last summer at Wayfarer Camp and in many other settings – the picture of a hard-boiled egg.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

It’s been a crazy non stop kind of month.  I’ve only had 2 days in my home in the past 21 days.  Enough time to get some laundry changed out but no time to really sit down and share about so many things.  I’m currently sitting on the campus of Wake Forest University here partnering with Student Life for Kids.   I have lots to share about my journey this summer, Wayfarer Camp (which was amazing), major Kairos moments of breakthrough and the progress being made in the lives of so many people I have had the opportunity to encounter.

In the meantime, some fun news.  We produced these Kairos watches for Wayfarer Camp this summer and they have been rather popular.  Kairos is just a reminder that at any moment God can break in on our time and can totally change the direction of our lives.  We live by Chronos time but God breaks in like only He can do in His Kairos time.

I’ve been asked countless times already how you can get one of your own.  If you want to order them we now have them in stock and available through Wayfarer.  $10 each.  The white one is my favorite!

Just click this link to order.  Click here.

Well I’m sitting here feeling like I am about to hit the rewind button on one of my favorite movies. Yes, I’m heading back to Covenant College to be with Student Life and the team of friends that are laying their lives down everyday so that students can hear God’s voice orient themselves around it. And to be honest, I LOVE IT! I love seeing the trajectory of life changed from a few days together. I love meeting new people and seeing new faces. I love watching a room engage in worship. And I love it even more when I know that some of the group that is coming are old friends.

This week marks the 5th summer in a row that Nathan Waganer and my friends from Alice Drive Baptist Church will be at Student Life Camp with me. I got a call this week from Natahan saying that he was praying for me and that his students were looking forward to the week. I have to admit, apart from the occasional repeat on an illustration or two, I’m glad their coming back. It just feels like home, when you know the journey is not contained to a few days of a lifetime–but rather is a continuous stream of interaction. I love the ministry that Nathan is doing at Alice Drive and I love that we get to spend time away from camp talking about the God stuff that is going on in his group. And every once in a while I also get to take Nathan out and beat him in golf.  So for me this week, even though some things will be very much the same, they will also be distinctly different.

So, now it’s time for me to reset my expectations. It’s time to listen in again for what God wants to do in this group of people. I will be partnering with Kristian Stanfill. And I look forward to seeing when and how God moves. Camp is packed this week. It’s going to be good. So here we go–the REWIND button has been hit and now I get to watch it happen all over again–but not really knowing how it will all end up. And the only way to really find out is to hit PLAY.

Well what do you know, maybe Pigs CAN fly.  I’m entering my first and very short blog post.  It’s shocking news, I know!  I have officially entered the blog world.  (At least for the summer.)

Everyone needs to have very low expectations at this point. I am very new at this. However, I’m really excited because there are lots of things going on this summer.  Hopefully I’ll have plenty to blog and share about. I know you can hardly contain your excitement. Stay tuned.